guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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