I murdered the dance floor call the cops
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
