I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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