Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
