i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
