oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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