Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize