I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
