Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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