True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
