I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
