Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
