On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize