You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
