How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
