dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
