smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize