I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
