Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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