You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize