I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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