Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
