My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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