I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
