he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
