I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
