....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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