Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
