I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize