I'm jealous of your bromance
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I did not marry a roomba.
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