We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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