I cut my penus on the lid.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
