I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
