it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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