I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
