i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
