textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
