Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
