matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
