she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
