but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
