we're chasing vodka with high fives
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
