I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
