The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
