I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this will be a night to untag.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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