OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
