The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
