so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
