do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize