i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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