he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
