I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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