sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
