I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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