Got a toothbrush?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
