He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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