My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
